In this day and age when same-sex relationships are quite tolerated, albeit not accepted, it is quite easy for a gay man to find a guy to have a relationship with. Or so people think.
With the increasing number of men who come out of the closet, one can say that there is a lot of pink fish in the gay sea. Is it easy to find a boyfriend? Is it easy to make the relationship last?
Not for me. When I started my ride on the pink carousel, I had difficulty even just looking for a guy. No thanks to the ultra-conservative family and society I lived in. Like a child’s first ride on that colorful and magical carousel, I was scared and excited at the same time. I knew the ride was gonna be fun and I had a lot of horses and seats to choose from.
My first boyfriend was one of the reasons why I left my comfort zone. I moved to Metro Manila, 600 miles away from home, to be with him while pursuing a career to become independent. But like many, I was faced with the ordeal of having to choose between my relationship and my career. I chose the latter. We had fun while it lasted, for a good 14 months. He doesn’t know it, but to this day, what we had is still the only thing I consider real. It was not fleeting, it was not just my cock speaking. The intimacy and romance were real. We both have moved on and have since remained friends. The carousel has started moving round and round and we now rode our own horses: he with his boyfriend, I by my lonesome self.
Round and round the carousel went, stopping for a time to load (and perhaps unload) pink children. I’ve shared horses with some pink boys but nothing really ever lasted. 14 months - that’s the longest I have been in a relationship. I somehow couldn’t get myself to make a relationship work. They probably were not too comfortable riding the horse with me. I may have been pushy and took a lot of space on the horse.
I blamed it on career or mental, social, intellectual and emotional compatibility whenever I could. “You’ll find someone in due time,” I kept on telling myself. And on I went with my Pink Carousel ride. I’ve had fleeting encounters with men of different demographics. I was having fun. I made myself believe that I was happy.
I focused my life on building my career and growing as an individual. I’ve started living alone (I used to live with my sister then my friends) thinking that that would help me find a stable relationship. I dated guys here and there. Nothing really worked. I came to a self-absorbed conclusion that the men I was interested in dating or the men who fell into my “love trap” were men who underestimated my capacity to understand. You see, this was all about me. I knew I was a catch. Men would move mountains just to be with me. Self-serving and self-absorbed eh? I was better off by my lonesome self. Besides, riding my own horse was fun. If there’s a Mr. Right for me, then he would come sweep me off my feet and ride my horse with me.
I must have tried every single thing one does to find Mr. Right, or Mr. RightNow. That’s when I fought with bouts of depression. Sure I’ve built my own home, but it’s always better to have someone to come to. I also had episodes of envy for my friends. Whenever we went clubbing or partying together, I would be the only single bloke - even amongst the straight folk. With the advent of technology, I pimped myself on the Internet. I must have joined all social networking and dating sites on the www. Heck, I even pimped myself on YouTube! I’ve met men whom I thought would be Mr. Right but turned out to be just a “Mr.”, not even a a Mr. Right Now.
The carousel has started to lose its magic for me.
Patiently, I rode my horse on this colorful carousel until I became jaded. I’ve built a wall around myself. I gave up on the hope of finding someone for me. This wall was so thick and so high that no one could break through it. Mr. Right probably has already come to me but the wall was so well-built that even he couldn’t break through.
Realizing that, I started dismantling the wall. I was back to my old self when I first rode the carousel. Over and over, I went through the vicious cycle that the pink carousel took me before. After many rounds, I realized that I should just live life one day at a time and be open to whatever comes my way.
I guess now I am stronger.
Whether there’s a Mr. Right for me or not, I’m not sure. Of this I’m sure though: I will continue to ride the Pink Carousel one day at a time and have fun while I’m at it.
